How to Love a Trauma Survivor.
Let’s face it, everyone has trauma. E V E R Y O N E…. Granted, our trauma is different, but it’s there, and it will affect all of us in different ways. Not all emotional wounds will show up in the same way, and sometimes, similar wounds show up in different ways. Not all wounds are the same shape, or in the same place, or at the same depth. We are human, and we all perceive things differently. People are different, but the 1 thing I have realized throughout the years, is that there are a few common threads. I don’t think for 1 second that trauma survivors are harder to love than others, in fact, their abundance of empathy makes them easy to love. They just need to be shown that they are loved in a different way, and…if you really love, or care about someone with a gaping emotional wound, it won’t be a problem for you.
Let’s look at the ‘Why’ first. Trauma survivors, and those with deep seated childhood, and/or emotional wounds, don’t just struggle with the obvious things such as trust and overthinking, but they can also have trouble regulating their nervous system. It can actually be a biological response – not just an emotional reaction. The body will release the same stress hormones when the trauma is triggered, even in the slightest wat – it’s part of how we survived as a species all these years. It’s supposed to keep us safe, but life has since changed, as has the nature of our traumatic experiences – we are not running away from Saber tooth tigers anymore. That means, that when the Survivor is triggered, the same physiological response occurs, even if the actual trauma occurred years before. If someone is used to living in survival mode, or having to walk on eggshells in order to avoid conflict or a reaction, their body and nervous system is so accustomed to it, that it just keeps doing it constantly, as a defense mechanism. It can happen without reason or warning, even when they are around the safest person in the world. That wound, and their nervous system takes control over their actions and reactions, and if you want to keep on loving them, and helping them on their healing journey, then please keep reading, and have a little patience with them. You won’t ever regret loving a Trauma survivor, because you won’t easily find someone who loves you the way a healed and secure survivor does or can.
It’s really important to remember that any healing journey, is after all, a journey. There will be progress and healing, but there will also be setbacks and triggers. It won’t always be easy and pretty, but if you stick around, you’ll find a gift and reward that you never expected. The journey might not be easy, but it will damn sure be worth it. That much I can promise you. For the purpose of this article, I want to define Trauma Survivors as those who survived a traumatic childhood, someone who has survived a traumatic relationship with a parent, friend or romantic partner, and/or those who have experiences extreme loss, and/or lack in their lives. They may even have experienced all of the above, but what is most important for both you and them to understand, is that they are not victims, they are survivors! If a survivor has chosen to open up to you about what they have been through in a non-professional capacity, then you can be sure that they value and care about you, and they are hoping that you can understand that carrying this wound doesn’t make them a broken soul – it makes them stronger than what most people can imagine. The strength they carry within them might not be something that is obvious to others, but trust me, you have not seen anything like it. A trauma survivor does not open up to someone about their wounding unless there is trust. It is exceptionally hard for them to open up about this topic, because it makes them feel vulnerable, and feeling vulnerable in itself is a trigger, never mind having to rehash the experience. By showing a survivor that their vulnerability, trauma and triggers don’t scare you, you are showing them that they too deserve to be heard, healed, loved, accepted and like. Just by doing this, you can trigger their healing!
- Reassure them…
I’ve dealt with so many people who complain about their partners constantly needing reassurance, and how that insecurity is not attractive. Granted, it’s not attractive, but I can guarantee you that there is so much more to this person, and it is what lays beneath the insecurity that’s really very attractive! Every single person walking the face of this planet has some sort of insecurity – even Narcissists and Psychopaths. They just present in different ways. Those with very deep nervous system wounds very easily think that others will leave their lives without warning. They are so situationally aware that they notice the slightest change – change in your behaviour, your texts, the emoji’s you use, how you address them, how you greet them, how often you see them, how often you call them, your body language – all of it. They notice it all, and they feel it. They’re sometimes accustomed to emotional monitoring, and when they notice a change in you, they may very well feel insecure and take it personally.
We all know life happens and gets in the way – we all get busy and wrapped up in our own lives, and no one expects you to not make yourself a priority, but if you can understand that when they ask you whether you are still interested in them, or whether you are upset with them, or whether they are irritating you, it’s because of their frame of reference, and because of a nervous system problem, then you are halfway there. They need to know that you are still there, and that you haven’t suddenly changed your mind about wanting them in your life, without reason or warning. Tell them that you are still there, and treat them with a little kindness, and it will all settle down again. When there is a behavior change, no matter how subtle, it is very easy for a survivor to take it personally and to blame themselves for the change in you. They very likely feel like they did, or said something to upset or offend you, even when it’s obvious to you and others that this is not the case. Remind them that you value them, that you are there, and that you are not planning on just leaving or ghosting them. Tell them what is going on in your life, and remind them that it is circumstantial. They tend to be great listeners, so you shouldn’t have a problem there.
- Be Consistent.
Did I mention that trauma survivors notice EVERYTHING?! Be consistent with them as much as possible for you. Yes, sometimes life happens and you have to work around it, but if you can, sit down and show them that you are sticking around and that you care. Show them that you are someone that they can rely on. Their nervous system will start to recognize you as a ‘safe’ person, and it will be calm around you. This can help to create a safe space for them to heal in too, and that is super important. Be consistent in showing up for them, and you will see them blooming into this healed version of themselves, right in front of your eyes…if they are doing the healing work too, of course. It’s really important to remember that they still need to do the work, not relationship, not matter how magnificent, will heal that wound without them showing up to do the work too. Feling safe is really hard for a survivor, and it can take some time, but being there for them consistently can really have a massive impact.
- Communicate and clarify.
Trauma Survivors very often feel misunderstood and unheard. Their needs and skills, when it comes to communication, are very different to those who have not had to navigate this kind of abuse or mistreatment, and it can cause havoc in any relationship, regardless of the context. Did I mention that trauma survivors notice EVERYTHING?! They even listen to what you are NOT saying. Yes, we can argue that they are making assumptions, and we shouldn’t do that, however, it’s a little bit more complex than just that. What you need to try and have compassion for is that you are very likely dealing with an over thinker who catastrophises as a defense mechanism. Someone with a deep nervous system wound more than likely assumes the very worst possible case scenario because in that way they are prepared for whatever the outcome might be, and if it’s not that bad, then at least, it’s not as bad as what they imagined. They have more than likely had the carpet ripped from beneath their feet on more than 1 occasion, so they expect the worst, and regardless of what happens, they are prepared. That’s why what comes out of their mouths can sometimes can sound completely absurd or farfetched to you, but it’s what happens when they really care about someone or something else.
If you communicate openly and clearly with a survivor, they will be able to manage their catastrophizing, which can literally consume a survivor for days, or even months at a time, delaying the healing process even more. If your partner, friend or family member did, or said something that you are struggling to understand, then clarify it with them. That’s applicable to all relationships, but even more so with survivors. They already feel misunderstood, so asking for clarity from them will make them feel heard, valued, understood, and most of all, safe. Free, open and clear communication can make or break your relationship with a survivor. Remember that over thinkers also tend to over love, and that’s what makes them such a special breed. Be patient, it will be worth it once you can break through that hard exterior.
- Be honest.
This sounds so simple…. but sometimes, in order to save the drama, you tell them a little white lie…just to keep the peace of course. But survivors have nasty trust issues, and they absolutely do not deal well with being lied to. It’s like taking a stake to their heart. They value honesty so very much, and you will more than likely be quite surprised by their reaction to the truth, regardless of the situation. The amount of empathy they carry is astounding, so they will be more understanding than you might think. They really just need to know what’s going on around them, and trust me when I say, they can usually feel when something is off anyway, but trusting their gut isn’t always their strong suite when it comes to other people, and it has more than likely landed them in hot water before. They doubt their gut, a lot…
If you can be honest and vulnerable in front of a survivor, and show them that you are trustworthy and reliable, you will get to see a version of them that is so beautiful, but that they are afraid to share with the rest of the world. You will add to their courage and bravery, and witnessing their healing, will be a very profound thing to see. If you love them, tell them. They wouldn’t be acting the way they do, if they didn’t love you or care about you too. Knowing that they are loved will motivate them to heal and to become the best version of themselves, for you, and for the others who matter in their life. You will inspire them.
- Make sure they know you want them around.
Other people might not get this about survivors, and this is not part of rejection on abandonment – this is a bit different. The chances are pretty high that a survivor never felt wanted where they were in their “previous life” when the trauma occurred. When you are a survivor, especially with complex trauma, anxiety is always in the air. Anxiety is something that can be managed, but even when managed with medication, very easily rears its ugly head. It can hang around for extended periods of time as well, depending on where the survivor is in their healing journey and what else they are navigating in their every day life. Many survivors have high functioning anxiety, and they have learnt how to navigate every day life regardless, but, when something triggers them, the Anxiety amps it up a notch, and it can throw them off balance completely. The trick is to find the root cause of the anxiety, and to rip that out, but that’s a whole different article.
The frame of reference of a survivor, isn’t what you are used to, or necessarily familiar – it’s hard to understand the frame of reference of others, regardless whether it is a survivor or not, but it can be a little more complex where there is a traumatic background. There is a very good chance that they we ‘punished’ with the silent treatment, or the basic needs of their emotional body were just never met or respected. When you ignore them, or just don’t communicate with them, without reason or warning, it brings up that old and very familiar feeling of “What did I do wrong?” or “Am I not wanted?”. Add to that, the anxiety of “How can I fix this?” and/or “Will I ever hear from them again?”, and you are dealing with someone who will present as highly emotional, and possibly very insecure. No matter how absurd that sounds to you, remember that what they are feeling is very real to them, regardless of whether you can understand it or not. Their feelings are real to them, just as much as your feelings are real to you. Just because their brain is wired in this matter, and trained to react and protect them, doesn’t make anyone in the situation wrong, or right. Feeling ignored and unwanted is a massive trigger for a survivor, so where possible, try to communicate with them, even if it is just to give them context of what is going on in the moment. Once they have clarity and understanding that this is situational, they will be able to calm down their nervous system. Remember that they are not choosing to respond, or feel, or react in this way, it’s happening at a physiological level. When it comes to trauma, the body keeps the score – and this is in no way fun for them.
So, why make this effort? Their past and their trauma is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to get them through it. Well, because chances are that if you are reading this article, you already know someone who is going through this, and you more than likely care about, and/or love them. If that’s the case, then trust me when I say, they are very much worth the effort. You’ve probably already seen glimpses of their amazing side, which is what has caught your attention in the 1st place. I am convinced that this is what Bruce Springsteen was on about when he wrote Secret Garden. Survivors are scared, guarded and hurting, and they will keep pushing you away until they have certainty that they are safe with you. If you are able to give them that certainty, you will be loved, supported and nurtured in return, in a way that you have never experienced before – regardless of the context of your relationship, they will be the very best partner, friend, son, daughter or whatever, you have ever come across. There are obviously more than 5 pointers when it comes to this, and every situation is pretty unique in how it will present in real life, but these 5 seem to be quite common in those that I have worked with. If you would like some support and assistance with regards to how you can help the survivor in your life, and on how to show them that you are there, and that you love them, please reach out to us on hola@metanoia-sa.com and we can have a chat about this.
If you are a trauma survivor, let me remind you that you are not broken! You are perfectly lovable, likeable and acceptable. Well done on surviving and making it this far. You will find the people who recognize you for the strong human being that you are, and they will support you in your journey to process your trauma, and to heal your nervous system and emotional body. Those are your people; they are your tribe! If you are in a position, where you are ready to make these changes, and to step into your power by dancing with your pain and your shadows, please reach out to us. We would love to support you through this incredible phase in your life.
